on the threshold

ancestral land of the Coast Salish & Nisqually people image by Cindy Giovagnoli

During our night walk on Winter Solstice, I turned to Geoff and declared  “I am so happy the rule of not staring at the sun does not apply to the moon!” It’s 2020 and we are all looking for the good, ok?

Honestly though, it’s hard for me not to stare at the sun…

I know why not to do it and still have the desire. I have examined my underlying “rebel with or without a cause” archetype (trust me). It’s more than that. I actually crave looking right into the sun and have to actively stop myself from doing it~ especially in the winter. It’s a weird quirk that I’ve learned to live with but it has given me pause for contemplation over the years of noticing the desire. Moth to flame, attracted to the light, all the metaphors I get, but to actually have to overcome and redirect my eyes from doing damage~ so odd. Anyone else have this impulse?

And so, I feel immense gratitude, and relief, that I can openly stare directly at the moon all I want.

I remember the first time I was introduced to moon meditation. I was 19ish, in Old Stone Fort, a TN state park right up the road from my hometown. This land is home to a prehistoric Native People’s structure and rich in ancient human to nature connection. In a large field there, my friend David introduced me to Full Moon Meditation. I cannot expound or delineate the scope of various approaches to meditation here and recognize this is a reductionist explanation: the general idea was open your eyes and stare at the moon while you breathe and experience yourself living.

There are many things I still remember about that special meditation almost 2 decades later, including the fact that we sat so long in the park we got locked inside and slept in a tarp (not the point of this story but again the whole rebel and rules situation…) Looking back, the most impactful part of this particular meditation was the simple mind-opening I experienced from the invitation to open my eyes. I was newer to the practice of meditation in general and had almost exclusively been told to close my eyes as I practiced. Go within. Feel and look towards the interior as you close out the distractions of the outer world. And WOAH, I had a supercharged experience with my first open-eye meditation connecting to the beautiful full moon glow on hallowed land. Yet, again, the simplicity of realizing that I could practice in a new way, another way, opening my eyes rather than closing them, literally opened another perspective and experience of meditation. This invitation and even permission to shift or experiment in my approach to my living practice remains a valuable asset in current times.

I shared a list of some guiding principles from 2020 which included one of my favorite movie quotes “the rules are there ain’t no rules” (guess the movie for a prize). Obviously, I understand and respect the guidelines of safety, society, and general health and well–being (re: don’t stare at the sun and burn your retinas). Though, generally speaking, I like to think of life with this amount of creative freedom and responsibility. Doing our best with what we have, we each seem to be making it up as we go.  This year has opened my eyes to new perspectives on old rules I was living by that perhaps kept me safe before, but were now keeping me closed. Even some beloved roles I had played no longer fit in the same way as I grew into a new version of myself and the world grew into a new version, too. Regardless of how rebellious by nature I might be, I deeply care about the impact I make with my words, actions, and perspectives. Giving myself and others the freedom to change and adapt keeps me tethered to the present and all that comes with taking the next best step.

I consider myself lucky for the good company of all those who invite me, eyes opened and closed, into meaningful connection within my experience, inside and out. I’m evolving my understanding of permission in this world and who authors the slips in the first place. I’m still practicing opening to more perspective, awareness, and peace after all these years. Especially this one.

 Inspired greatly this year by Thich Nhat Hanh, Octavia Raheem, Brené Brown, Elena Brower, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, Amma, my beloved Geoff, parents & sisters, Guatemala’s volcanoes, lifelong friends, the Daily Steepers, Sally our therapist, the Davids, and my tea community Global Tea Hut , here’s my list of phrases & guiding principles integrated through 2020 :

The rules are there ain’t no rules.

One step, one step.

Nature’s Way.

Bang on the door.

Let love shine out of your eyes.

Because of those qualities, not in spite of them.

Multidirectional forgiveness.

Try another way to say the same thing.

Reset as many times as it takes.

Remind yourself.

A soft place to land.

Belonging to ourselves, together, is freedom.

Would you rather be right or free?